The X-Couple: Getting To Know You

Walter Skinner, ex-Assistant Director of the FBI with a penchant for pressed suits and order, finds himself sharing his meticulously kept apartment with Cancer Man, a chain-smoking government operative with secrets darker than his coffee and a tolerance for the bizarre bordering on the extraterrestrial. Thrown together by a twist of bureaucratic fate (and possibly some alien intervention), these polar opposites are about to embark on a dysfunctional cohabitation unlike any witnessed on Earth, or possibly, off it.

The X-Couple 
Episode One "Getting to Know You"
An original spoof created by
PR Chung & Victor Skynard

*** Bear with us X-Files Fan Fiction reader, for you are about to enter a strange world of the familiar and yet bizarre. With all due respect and much adoration, we are about to make our favorite characters jump through some very twisted hoops... based somewhat on the famous Neil Simon play "The Odd Couple." How could we have passed this up...?

The X-Couple
Episode One "Getting to Know You"
PR Chung & Victor Skynard

Cancer Man, dark shadow operative and mortal enemy of Federal Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, failing in his endeavor to hide the truth, is thrown out of the consortium...

New York City
Ambiguous City Street
12:02 p.m.

A black limousine came to a screeching halt, the rear door flung open, and a man was thrown from inside. As he tumbled to the asphalt the car door slammed shut, the window then lowering enough to allow a hand to toss a pack of Morley cigarettes at the man.

"You can't do this to me!" Pulling himself into a sitting position, Cancer Man shouted at the limo that was pulling away, its tires squealing on the pavement, "I've watched Presidents die!"

* * *

Walter S. Skinner, hard-nosed, austere Assistant Director of the FBI, failing to retain control of his free-spirited, truth-seeking Agent, Fox Mulder, he is suspended indefinitely from the Federal Bureau of Investigation...

Washington DC
J. Edgar Hoover Building
12:03 p.m.

The main entrance door flew wide, and Walter Skinner was savagely shoved out. Stumbling forward and down the steps of the federal building, he lost his footing on the wet marble as he saw his briefcase bounce end over end past him, breaking open halfway down and dumping a shower of papers everywhere.

A voice shouted from behind him. "Your days of signing off on those ridiculous files are over, Skinner!"

* * *

Suddenly faced with unexpected unemployment, forced to succumb to one of the most harrowing arrangements known to civilized man, Walter Skinner and Cancer Man become- 

The X-Couple...

Crystal City, Virginia
Walter Skinner's Apartment
7: 34 a.m.

"Your little friends made a real mess in the bathroom last night," Skinner announced, coming down the steps from the second floor into a living room that reeked of cigarette smoke.

Cancer Man languidly glanced at him from his early bird viewing of ‘The Longest Day’. He scrutinized the grim expression across the face of the man before him, impeccably dressed in a gray suit and blue tie.

"My," he said, pausing long enough to drag on his cigarette, "we're looking quite polished this morning."

Skinner cocked his head at the man hunkered down on the sofa, dressed in wrinkled brown slacks and a thread bare T-shirt.

"I have several appointments today."

"Why tire yourself with these 'appointments' when I've told you about my friends who can provide you with lucrative job opportunities?"

"Listen, we both know the only friends you have left are those damn grays."

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said and drew on his cigarette, squinting against the smoke drifting into his eyes.

"You're living here now, so you can cut the 'deny everything' crap."

"Really? Well then, I deny the fact I live here, Wally."

Skinner glared at the aggravating man. "Deny the fact you haven't showered in three days and all you do is watch these damn war movies, tap on that typewriter all night long so I can't sleep, or play poker with those little gray creeps- it's bad enough you associate with them, but do you have to smell like them too?"

Cancer Man's gaze was level, icy. "All generalization are false to the degree you deny them, Wally."

Skinner hissed, clinching his fists as the man outed one and at once lit another cigarette.

"I thought I made it clear there was no smoking in here?" Cancer Man mimicked puzzlement. "I don't recall discussing that arrangement."

"See if you recall the arrangement regarding you getting job," Skinner replied gruffly. "You are going to get a job or you're out of here."

"Don't give me ultimatums, Wally, I've watched Presidents die."

Skinner ignored the comment, something near the coffee table on the floor having caught his attention. He stepped forward, bending to pick up the magazine he had noticed. Cancer Man straightened on the sofa, alert.

"You can leave that there- I'll pick it up later-"

"What is this?!" Skinner exclaimed.

"The latest issue of Astronomy?"

"A burn hole in my carpet?!"

Cancer man glanced toward the large, blackened area of the taupe carpet.

"It's a shadow."

"It's not a shadow- it's cigarette burn as big as your ass!"

"I wouldn't know anything about that," Cancer Man replied, dragging on his freshly lit cigarette.

"Like hell you don't," Skinner was livid, "that's it! No more poker parties."

"I think that's rather extreme over such a small matter, don't you?"

Skinner began to respond, but he was running late and knew he didn't have the time to argue. Heading for the door, he called back at the man who had been living on his sofa for the last three weeks. "That had better be taken care of by the time I return tonight, as well as the rest of this crap- the overflowing ash trays and the beer bottles- and that slimy crap in left on the toilet seat last night!"

Crystal City, Virginia
Walter Skinner's Apartment Building Parking Garage
3:54 p.m.

Standing in the shadows, a wraith of cigarette smoke curling about his head, Cancer Man watched as a hulking figure in a suit lumbered toward him.

"What took you so long?" Cancer Man asked the Bounty Hunter. "I had stressed the fact that time is of the essence."

"I'm a shape shifter, not a clone," the man replied matter-of-factly. "I can only be in one place at a time."

"I needed you here hours ago, the situation is of extreme importance. Everything hinges on the resolution of this... problem."

The Bounty Hunter sighed, reluctantly. The muscles in his immense jaw.

"What must I do?" he asked.

Cancer Man dropped his cigarette to the garage floor. "Come with me," he said started toward the elevator.

* * *

"This was of utmost most importance?!" The Bounty Hunter exclaimed, peering at the large cigarette burn in the carpet.

"No," Cancer Man said, lifting a throw pillow from the sofa exposing another enormous burn hole in the fabric of the cushion. "This as well."

The Bounty Hunter glared at him. "You can... repair them?"

He expelled a breath hot with irritation. "Of course I can, but..."

"Then repair them!"

"Is this necessary?" He resisted.

"Of course it's necessary!" Cancer Man jerked a glance in the direction of the wall clock. He lit another cigarette, drew on it and looked at the man through a drift of foul smoke. "I have plans for Friday evening... of course I could include you in these plans depending on the alacrity you can complete this task..."

The Bounty Hunter sighed, nodding as he removed his jacket. "I will do this only this once."

"Yes, yes, of course," Cancer Man said watching the man kneel down on one knee, placing his large healing hands over the charred carpeting.

* * *

Walking to his front door, digging his keys out, Walter Skinner was of the opinion this day had to have been the most humiliating day of his life. Five appointments and only one prospect had surfaced- security at the Smithsonian. How could his life get any less meaningful? Any worse than to have gone from Assistant Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation to... security guard?

Unlocking the front door, he wondered what fresh new hell awaited him with Cancer Man. Had he cleaned? Had he showered? God, he had better have at least showered...

Opening the door, he saw sudden movement in the living room, Cancer Man and another hulking figure that quickly disappeared into the bathroom.

"What's going on? Who is that?"

"Who is who?"

"Who just went in the bathroom?" Skinner insisted on heading toward the door.

"Ah, just a friend who dropped by."

"Who-?" Skinner stopped short of trying the bathroom door, spotting a strange metal contraption where his coffee table had been only this morning.

"What is that?"

"I thought I would make a contribution to the apartment."


"A new coffee table." Cancer Man grinned.

"That's a coffee table? What happened to mine?"

"What?" Cancer Man said, sounding hurt. "You don't like it?"

The sound of water running the bathroom drew Skinner's attention away from the man a moment. "Who is in here?"

"I suppose I can always take it back..." Cancer Man continued about the bizarre new piece of furniture that looked nothing like a piece of furniture at all- and rather like a piece of stealth technology.

"Yes, fine, take it back. Who the hell is in here?"

The door opened then, and Skinner found himself face to face with the Bounty Hunter.

"You can take this back to the store now," Cancer Man called across the room to him. "We've decided to keep the old one." The Bounty Hunter looked from Skinner to Cancer Man. "Very well, I will remove the-"

Cancer Man cut him off, interjecting, "coffee table."

His expression shifted from confusion to instant understanding. "Yes, the coffee table. I will remove it."

"Very good." Cancer Man lit another cigarette as the Bounty Hunter heaved the huge piece of machinery into his muscular arms and lumbered toward the front door.

"Is there anything else I can do for you?" he asked before leaving. "

No, just remember Friday, ten o'clock. Twenty-dollar minimum."

"Of course."

The door shut and Skinner turned to Cancer Man. "Friday night?"

"Would you like to inspect the carpet? As good as new now..."


The End of Episode One of *The X-Couple* "Getting to Know you" 
Stay tuned for another twisted episode... "EBE's are Wild"


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